This story was written by Melissa Harness, who has suffered through five miscarriages. She has carried eight pregnancies, given birth to three healthy children, and lost five angels. She wants to tell her story to “give a voice to all those that have suffered in silence behind closed doors … who have hid their tears and tried to put a smile on their face when they just want to collapse.”
“We need to normalize loss and grief, ” Melissa says. “We shouldn’t be hidden away or forced to deal with this. We all grieve differently and we need to openly support each other in these times of loss.”
I said positive affirmations. I had more people praying for us than I can even count. This baby defied all the odds. You were so strong. We were told we would lose you so many times, but each time you proved that wrong. Each time my love grew stronger and I knew you’d make it through … until the day I knew you wouldn’t.
At our ultrasound appointment, we heard a tiny heart beating 119 times a minute. The moment the sound came on, I burst into tears. I couldn’t even hold the phone steady to record video for Eddie since he was unable to get off work. The nurse so kindly took my phone and helped me. I was overwhelmed with joy. The sweet sound of your beating heart made it all worth it. Loss after loss after loss. After three losses, we had Bryson, so we know it’s possible to conceive a healthy child. But why all the losses. We were told to come back in a few weeks for a repeat ultrasound. The yolk sac was still measuring large but maybe it would go away in a few weeks. We waited … the waiting is horrible. You dwell on the what ifs, you push yourself to remain positive and go about your normal life. Be a good mom to the other kids, be a good wife, go to work, put a smile on your face, but inside you’re a wreck. Loss changes you. Each loss has changed me differently. I proceeded to our repeat ultrasound on Monday, May 6, 2019. I had Bryson with me. Eddie had to work.
I purchased a baby giraffe with a heartbeat recorder the day before the appointment. Eddie hadn’t had the opportunity to hear our baby’s heart beating due to work conflicts. They pointed out the baby and were able to pick up a beat here and there, nothing consistent. I knew that moment that something wasn’t right. We made excuses, trying to hold on to the hope we had been given. This was an abdominal ultrasound … I’m early … my bladder wasn’t full … The sonographer was either picking my heart beat up (not sure if that’s possible), or picked up the last few beats of our baby’s heart as he/she faded away.
Onto the repeat ultrasound. As we waited an hour after our appointment time, we were finally brought into the dimly lit room where the fate of our baby would be revealed. Ugh, my stomach was in knots. I sat Bryson on the chair next to the bed. I undressed from the waist down and covered up with a sheet. Early ultrasounds are usually done vaginally. I looked forward to a clearer picture of our baby, and I grabbed the recorder so I was ready when we listened to the heart. My heart was beating so fast, my eyes fixated on the screen as I waited. Nothing. The blood flow was showing up, but not inside the uterus. There was no flicker. She tried and tried. She gave me a smile and told me the doctor would be in. I feel sorry for those girls. It must be so tough to see those things. I didn’t shed a tear. I knew it was coming. The doctor came in holding my chart close to her and told me, “I’m afraid I don’t have good news.” I told her we expected this at some point. We were instructed to head to the birthing center to discuss our next steps with the midwives. We were greeted with the familiar faces who had helped me through Bryson’s birth, and had been there for our last miscarriage a year ago in March. Hugs. They helped. I still was in shock? Maybe? I hadn’t cried yet. A script for Cytotec was called in, and I was instructed on what to expect. The next few days were not going to be easy. I walked out to my car and called work to tell them I’d need to take off and get through this at home. Severe cramping, backache, heavy bleeding and passing tissue was not going to happen at my job. Not to mention the emotional trauma of going through this. As I prepared to leave the hospital parking lot, I caught a glance of my pregnant belly … ugh.
You were there, then you weren’t anymore. I put my hand on my belly and cried. I didnt think I’d ever stop. I cried for the pain my heart was feeling. I cried because I heard your heart beating. I cried because I just didn’t understand God’s plan. Why??!!! Why give us hope just to take it away!? Bryson kept asking, “Mommy, what’s wrong? Why you cry?” I just kept telling him, “I’m OK.” But I wasn’t. I texted Eddie. No words can describe the feelings you go through. Finally, after we settled in at home, and decided to start the process. Mom picked up Carter and we got Bryson some toys to distract him. I went into the bathroom and stared at the three little white pills that would bring this journey to an end. I cried more. I can’t believe it’s over. Just like that your gone. Another loss … my new number is five. Five angels in heaven. I used to look back on my patients’ charts and feel so bad when I would see a mama pregnant six, seven, eight times and (with) maybe one child … how could they go on? How did they do it?? Here I stand … eight pregnancies … three children … five angels. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer asking God for peace and comfort and inserted the pills.
I walked out and sat on the couch awaiting my worst fears. Eddie and I watched TV, talked, tried to pass the time. After only a few short hours my back started to ache. Soon after, the cramping started. It became more intense. I couldn’t sit still, a heating pad wasn’t helping, so I went into the bathroom to sit in a tub of warm water. As I undressed, I felt something warm trickle down my leg … I heard drops hit the floor. My hell was beginning.
I sat in the bath for quite some time. It eased the cramping and pain. When I stood up to get out, another gush as I lowered myself to sit on the toilet. Large clots had fallen out. To look or not to look. I was scared to see my baby, formed … forever imprinted in my memory. Just clots and nothing more … that’s all I saw. I cleaned myself up best I could and got dressed. We went to bed soon after. I was up and down numerous times through the night. One big gush soaked through my clothing and onto the bed … a reminder this morning of what will never be.
I got up and showered again. More gushes, more clots … more feelings of sadness and confusion. With the others I had D and Cs (dilation and curettage) … I went to sleep, I woke up and besides a small amount of spotting, it was over. It was hard emotionally but nothing like this. I opted to go this route. This was my choice. I had an assignment (optional, luckily) due last night. I couldn’t do it … I couldn’t even think straight.
The process continued until my uterus was completely empty. The fullness in my belly that I so eagerly embraced was now fading away slowly. My breasts hurt. I know what’s next. No one prepared me with our first loss. My milk came in. A few days after our loss, I woke up to find my T-shirt soaked. My body knows I had the baby, but it doesn’t know they passed. My body is still trying to produce milk and nourish my baby. I relive the trauma of my loss as my body takes the steps to care for my little one. I’ll go through this again. People have asked me so many times, “When will you stop? When will you say enough is enough and quit putting yourself through this!?” To you, this is my answer: “We have Bryson. We know what God can do. We believe in miracles. We have one running around our house right now. We aren’t giving up. Our journey has taken a long time and been so very hard, but if we are meant to have another child it will happen.”
I’m just focusing on breathing today. Trying to take in what has happened and move forward. Trying not to let this lost feeling consume me. Trying not to feel broken in this mess. A friend recently told me that the God of the Mountain is also the God of the Valley … so very true. I will lean on him in these times of frustration and sadness. We aren’t meant to understand … you just have to have faith. I sit here on the couch writing this … using this as my therapy to work through the loss of my baby. I’m searching for a tattoo in memory of all the babies we have lost along the way. When I find the right one and it’s the right time, I’ll know. For right now, I just have to breathe and trust in God. Thank you to everyone that has been a part of this journey with us. We can’t thank you enough for all your kind words, prayers, thoughts and so on. We will get through this, too. One day at a time. Fly high sweet angel, mommy and daddy will see you again one day.
On Tuesday, May 7, 2019, The BIRTH Project Network held its first-ever online meet-up. This inaugural meet-up covered the topic of home births, and featured an experienced home-birth midwife as the subject matter expert.
The conversation covered the home-birth process from pregnancy, to labor and delivery, and through the postpartum period. You can watch and listen to the whole conversation above, or see time stamps for highlights listed below.
Learn About the Subject Matter Expert
Kelly Olmstead, LM, CPM, is an Iowa native who has been in Santa Cruz, California, for 17 years. A mother of three, she has been active in the Santa Cruz birth community since shortly after the home birth of her third child, Henry, in 2002.
Her particular passion is ensuring that women understand they have options in birth—and the benefits and risks of various choices—so they can make the best choice for themselves and their babies.
After four years of midwifery school and apprenticeship, Kelly was licensed by the Medical Board of California in March 2010. By the close of 2017, she had attended more than 450 births. She’s also served on the board of directors for Birth Network of Santa Cruz County for several years.
Additionally, Kelly is the co-founder of a midwifery advocacy group called Birth Santa Cruz. Check out BirthSantaCruz.com on Facebook—it’s a great way to stay up to date about what’s going on with birth locally and nationally.
More recently, she joined forces with two other amazing midwives to create Pacific Community Midwives. They each have independent practices but collaborate and back one another up.
From 2011-2014, Kelly was Regional Co-Rep for the California Association of Midwives (CAM). She remains active on projects with their sister organization, the California Association of Licensed Midwives (CALM), including keeping midwives updated on continuing-education opportunities, meeting with state legislators on midwifery issues, and creating welcome packets for newly licensed midwives in the state.
Highlights and Time Stamps
19:07- Kelly discusses an effective written home-birth birth plan.
13:00- Amara shares her takeaways after experiencing a home birth turned hospital transfer.
24:00- Katy shares her home-birth takeaways.
28:15- Kelly suggests what to look for when trying to find the right midwife for you.
29:20- Katy shares the story of when she got in a car wreck at 8 months pregnant.
31:45- Katy shares her biggest insight after working with a midwife and experiencing a home birth.
34:00- Participant question about not wanting any ultrasounds, but suspecting she’s carrying twins.
38:00- Participant question about a safe distance from home to hospital when planning a home birth.
41:50- Participant question about responding to family who are hesitant about home births.
47:15- Kelly discusses the hospital vs. home-birth experience.
49:08- Kelly addresses how she remains confident as a midwife.
51:00- Kelly discusses how she handled an emergency with a patient who had Hellp syndrome
54:20- Participant question about assuring women that their births will work out the way they want them to.
Daisy Reese was born on Nov. 23, 2017, Thanksgiving night. Her story really begins six months before she was conceived. Daisy and Juliet (my oldest) had a brother, named Madsen. I got pregnant with Madsen literally days after our eldest turned 1. I carried him for over three months, before having him at home on Jan. 16, 2017. He had one extra chromosome that caused his heart to form improperly. A month or so, after he was born, the sky opened up for a break from the rain, beholding the most beautiful rainbow. I knew it was a sign from my son. The next day I got a positive pregnancy test. Daisy was on the way. A lot of fear and uncertainty filled this pregnancy. Genetic testing put some of my worries at ease, knowing she didn’t carry the same burden. At 30 weeks and 2 days, I went into preterm labor.
This is where Madsen and Daisy’s stories come together. While preterm labor is still somewhat a mystery, it was a consensus between my medical-care team that my body was tired and still traumatized from my going into labor so early just prior to this pregnancy. It’s an honest guess amongst those studying me, and I agree with it.
While it should of scared me, I knew even if she was born 10 weeks early she would be just fine. I’d had a 4D ultrasound done just a day earlier, and I held comfort in the images that showed a pudgy baby with a full head of hair. My hospital stay was long and intense. I was able to go home for a bit between stays, with close monitoring, inevitably back in labor and delivery a total of five times. Dominican Hospital took wonderful care of us, the NICU team is sensational. I felt a deep gratitude every day I stayed pregnant, as I watched the other NICU parents and babies fighting for growth and health just down the hall.
I loved the genuine comments of surprise of me still being pregnant, every check-in and hospital visit, from the doctors and staff. Id grown to be friends with these ladies.
With a great deal of medical assistance, medications and modified daily activity, we kept Daisy cooking all the way to 39 weeks, to the day! The night before she was born I started having very intense and regular contractions. We called Sutter Maternity, our local birthing center, and they were full. I felt so discouraged and angry. I had finally made it past 36 weeks (the limit for delivering at Sutter), and I couldn’tdeliver there like I had hoped! I chose to stay home and wait, which was brave given I’d been walking around at 6.5-7 cm dilated the last 24 hours.
I kept visualizing having my baby in the car, on the way to the birthing center. I doubted my knowledge of my body a few times. Though, through, and through I knew, I knew my body. Truly. We made it to the next morning. My water started a slow leak around 6:15 a.m.—it was Thanksgiving morning. I knew It was time to go.
Dreadfully, I called Sutter. They were COMPLETELY open! How was this possible?! We were admitted into a room right away. Only one other mama was laboring in the whole birthing center. Nothing was really progressing, so I was put on a very low dose of pitocin, still just coasting. My water fully broke around 10:55 p.m. and Daisy was born at 11:10 p.m. So. Gnarly. Those last few centimeters felt like a train through my hips.
I only had to push a few times, I knew my body and what it needed, the pushes were so effective and brought relief. In between my second to last, and last push, Daisy began shimmying her way out on her own. My midwife looked at me and asked if I was pushing, I said no. She said she had never seen a baby do that in all her years. I felt proud. She was strong and a fighter. During the last push, as her chest fully emerged, she let one mighty cry out. My husband delivered Daisy himself, what a victorious and healing moment. My midwife could not get over how big she was, 2 oz shy of 9 lb.
After all the fear of preterm birth, it was a great moment to see a plump babe. She latched on right away, and we’ve been nursing like champions ever since. Her natural nursing skills were so impressive the lactation consultants came just to watch. Jokingly, they asked if we could teach a breastfeeding class. Difficulty breastfeeding was one of my biggest fears with preterm birth. It was greatly appreciated praise to receive. My sweet booby baby. Our family brought us heaping dishes of Thanksgiving food. It was the best Thanksgiving of our lives.
Danny Lesslie of Dadswagger wrote this story about his second-born daughter, Ace. Dadswagger empowers fathers to be present with their families. His Instagram account features images of dads being dads in their everyday lives, and illustrates the power of a present father. Hear more on Danny’s birth and fatherhood perspective here.
Birth Story of Ace
Birth—what a crazy experience! It really is hard to put into words and feel like I have even scratched the surface or the emotion/experience of it all. The first birth was a true rite of passage for us. I have never been a part of something so visceral, and wildly joyful at the same time. There were moments of sheer terror, and moments of unequaled gratitude. My wife, a warrior and a champion of humanity, took no drugs, and fought tooth and nail for hours for us to meet our first daughter. I watched and was by her side as it all went down, with the few bouts of nausea, and 2-3 near blackouts. Not to downplay the pregnancy, because that was no easy task. I just got to go along for the ride and see what strength really is.
After all was said and done with our first, it turned out that we were still discussing the birth all the time. My wife was, and still is dealing with the psychological and physical implications of creating, and birthing a human. This is quite a journey and everyone has some serious adjusting and healing to do. If I had it all to do again, I would do exactly what I did. I believe my wife would say the same. We would change nothing. Our daughters are beautiful and bring us more joy than I can explain. But birth is traumatic, it is not a pleasant experience. Each birth is in the wild success column, and each birth was completely different, and equally as traumatic.
For the birth of our second daughter, my wife was 7 cm dilated when we got to the birth center. If you don’t know this is well on your way, 10 cm is the number to start pushing and baby is coming soon. We got to the birth center about 6 a.m., and she had our daughter by 8:45 a.m. This birth was way faster than our first. My wife was also present the entire time. In the first birth, it was almost like she left her body, and her body did the work. I distinctly remember the moment she left, and the exact moment she returned. This is part of the mysteriousness of the whole experience. In the second birth, she was lucid and battling demons and pain the entire time. It was truly an amazing thing to be a part of. Let no one ever tell you birth is easy, or downplay the strength of a mother. I am about to reinforce this with our birth story. The pushing, the screaming, the vicious reality, the hope and excitement when you see your child’s head. I can’t help but get teary eyed talking about it.
Then came the moment, my wife pushed one final time and our baby’s head came out, then quickly came the rest of her beautiful little body. The first time you lay your eyes on someone you created is a moment I wish for all of you. You can’t help but lose your breath and just feel humility for the blessing. The sense of warmth in my heart and soul radiated through my whole body. We still didn’t know what we had. Boy or girl. Our trusted midwife Robyn immediately laid the baby on mama. So then we looked, we had a girl. YES! We couldn’t be more proud, and grateful. I cannot explain to you the sense of relief when your child is out safely on mama’s belly. Everyone was finally calm. The crazy confusing hurricane of birth was past us. While you are anxiously awaiting the birth, contraction to contraction is like a roller coaster if you were blindfolded, you are on the verge of sick the entire time, sweating, and your heartbeat is through the roof. This can go on for hours, with no end in sight. And finally it comes to an end, and all your anxiety melts into pure joy, relief.
Our midwife then began to do the post-birth activities, one of which is clamping the umbilical cord. She grabbed onto it, as mama and I were fawning and feasting our eyes on or new baby girl. When suddenly we realized something was awry. The umbilical cord just pulled right out. It was attached to nothing. This is a big “no bueno.” If you have never been a part of a birth, the baby is the first thing to come out of mama. Then must come the placenta. This is attached to the umbilical cord. Typically, you grab ahold of the cord and apply traction. While doing this mama, has a few more contractions that help push her placenta out. This is not a pleasant or comfortable thing for mama, either. The placenta is not meant to stay inside the mama. When it does, it is called a retained placenta. Although somewhat rare, this definitely does happen. Our well-earned relief quickly took a very sharp and treacherous turn. As if birth was not enough of a traumatic experience, we then learned that our midwife was going to have to go on a recon mission for the placenta.
You can use your imagination as to what has to go on here, but this bad boy has to come out. Our midwife calmly went through the options with us about how to frame this and move forward. After a painful and exhausting 30 min. or so of failed attempts at getting the placenta to come out, we as a team—midwife, mama, and papa—decided it was time to go in. By going in, I mean going in to the hospital, which means drugs, and a whole host of things we specifically chose to avoid. Herein lies a risk in out-of-hospital births. There are some things that are just not possible. We were willing to accept these risks. We were all heartbroken. Such a moment of joy, and still mama was not in the clear. She was far from it. In these moments where she should be basking in the warmth of her new baby on her chest, she was quivering with exhaustion, and facing the reality that she still had work to do.
We made the choice to send our older daughter home with grandma, I would stay at the birth center with the new baby, and our midwife and my wife would go to the hospital. I almost threw up even playing this out in my head. Fuck no! I won’t let my wife go alone, without me. But we were not taking our just-born daughter into a hospital waiting room. Not a chance. So I was stuck. Then my mind began to race. In this moment that is supposed to be so perfect, I am horrified as I hold my brand new daughter. What a weird moment in time. My heart didn’t know whether to be completely broken, or to be exploding with joy. I now have two baby girls, and I am shuttering at the thought of my wife not being OK. What if by some crazy circumstance my wife doesn’t come back? What if something goes wrong and I am not there? How is this now a life and death thing? Is this a possibility? My heart was hurting, I wanted to burst into tears as I watched my wife endure this. But we were going forward. It was the only way.
My wife stood up off the bed, quivering. We all felt so defeated. We began to wipe her off, and wrap a towel around her to get ready for the trip to the hospital. I had a thought, and asked her to squat down and see if that might help the placenta move along. As she squatted down, all that once was hope, like a small candle in the distance began to grow. She peered down between her legs, and there it was. She said she could see the placenta. So Robyn encouraged her to try to grab it. I was fully goose-bumped and almost shivering as this went down. It was like God put a handle on that weird looking squishy thing. My wife grabbed onto her placenta and pulled it out. WHAT?! Let me say that again: MY WIFE GRABBED ONTO HER PLACENTA AND PULLED IT OUT! Now THAT is some POWER OF A WOMAN WARRIOR SHIT! What was a terribly dismal and heartbroken scene, exploded into pure awestruck jubilation. I swear my heart skipped 20 beats. We were all in tears, we were all just giddy. My wife was OK. I cannot relay the sense of calm in my heart at this moment. It almost seemed like we just played out some sort of unrealistic fantasy together. Reality was bent. I still have to pinch myself to know it’s really true. No matter what happens, you better read the last page of that book. Holy moly, is there some serious truth to that statement?!
Then our midwife helped my wife to the shower where she helped her to shower off, and we were good to go. With a little bit of relaxing we were in the car headed home. We joked about going to get waffles for lunch. This was crazy, this whole thing still has me speechless. It still seems fake.
I was seriously taken aback at the thought of possibly losing my wife while sitting there holding our daughter. For some reason, when you think of having a baby, you don’t think about loss, or problems, or that everything and everyone might not be OK. These moments are burned into our story, and they are forever etched into the story of my wife’s strength as a human and as a mother. I am in awe! I am so blessed to have such a wife, and two powerful and beautiful baby girls.
My wife and I always spoke about having many kids. I was the one who wanted to push four to the craziness of six. After this birth, my wife said that might be the last baby she has. I couldn’t be more in agreement. I harbor no ill will to this perspective after watching her give birth to our two daughters, and watching the recoveries from both. Each birth had its own drama, and its own trauma. Don’t let anyone tell you birth is not beautiful, but there is also a dark side. It forever leaves scars, it forever leaves emotional and psychological hurdles to be dealt with.
I can tell you this: I don’t want to be back in the shoes of being in a life and death situation again. Making those choices haunts a person. We were crazy fortunate to have made out like birth bandits on this day. We have two beautiful girls, I have my warrior of a wife, and I have to tell you there is nothing more I/we need.
Each day, I see my three beautiful girls, and they all remind me of the strength of the others. I will never forget the experiences of seeing them both come into this world. I look at them and I see the strength of my wife, I look at my wife and am eternally thankful for the two amazing gifts she has given me. This is all positive. Granted, birth is like going through the ringer and then being run over by a truck, and I am the dad. I don’t know how my wife does it. Let me tell you, watching someone go through and experience what I have described is an amazing thing. Talk about falling hopelessly in love. This is my life.
“Are you SURE the baby is OK?”, I asked, nearly breathless, about an hour into pushing. As we got closer and closer to meeting our baby, my excitement and my fear continued to build in parallel. “Everything looks perfect, the heart rate is great,” my team assured me. “Look around, Molly, it’s just us, no one specialized is here, there is no emergency — your baby is doing great. You’re doing great.”
As a first-time mom, I didn’t know what to expect in the delivery room — I didn’t know that the big table full of medical instruments being set up just meant that the baby was close. It was a small group but I was being cared for, cheered on and coached by an all-star team. The midwife who I had seen during my prenatal care was playing tug-of-war with me with a bed sheet to give me counter strength to push against. She was calm and in control, something that I valued in the moment, but appreciated even more as we debriefed the birth later that night in my recovery room.
The resident who had been on duty when I was in triage a few weeks earlier being monitored for lack of fetal movement, was reassuring and kind; he was soft spoken but his excitement for us was palpable. The nurse, whose feedback style could best be described as “drill sergeant” — giving commands, counting out the seconds as I pushed, quick to tell me when I was pushing in the wrong place—was intense, commanding, and exactly what I needed. My doula and her apprentice, Brigette, were reading my body and helping the nurse adapt to the demanding cadence of pushing to my abilities and strengths. Emmylou was photographing the whole thing. I didn’t realize how graphic the photos that she captured in the moment were, but later would pore over those images to piece together the milliseconds after the birth.
And of course my husband, locking eyes with me, calm and strong, feeding me water through a straw and doing yoga “horse lips” with me in between every push. It sounds like a crowd, but it was really peaceful and intimate. I had space and room to adapt, while being cheered on and supported in every way I needed. It was the perfect birth. In the words of January Harshe, the leader of the Birth Without Fear movement, I had options, I was supported in my choices, I was respected. Despite not having a rigid birth plan, this was better than I could have scripted or planned.
A few hours earlier, once the epidural had kicked in and I finally felt clear-headed and in the moment, the team walked me through what to expect after the baby came out. I remember they said to expect some commotion and a lot of moving pieces, but that the priority would be to get baby to mom. They’d make sure baby was OK, but that skin to skin would help with the after birth and focusing on my baby would help distract me from the third stage of labor. We’d gone from hours to minutes to seconds remaining and now my hospital gown was opened up to expose my stomach and chest to accept the baby. The warm blankets were nearby, ready to cover us both. I’d seen the baby’s head in a mirror and I felt a little tuft of dark hair during crowning. There really was a baby. It was almost here. After 37 and a half anxiety-ridden weeks, my pregnancy and delivery were coming to an end.
“Give me one more push,” Molly the midwife said. And suddenly, the baby was here.
I caught a glimpse of something wet that looked like a baby. A tiny ball of fluid and skin. It was a dingy shade of gray blue, but all babies look a little funny, right? I felt something wet and slippery touch my stomach, our baby. “Was it a boy or a girl?” I thought, as I reached down to grab the baby. But before my hands made it to that wet and slippery body, the baby was whisked away to the other side of the room.
The team was right — there was commotion — and everything started moving so fast. The door burst open and a small army barreled in. Five people? Ten people? I don’t remember, but all of a sudden my calm, energized team became a lot bigger, a lot more medical, a lot scarier. Who were all these people? Someone yelled, “Dad, go be with baby!” I remember trying to reach out, to grab Dan’s arm, yelling back, “What is it? What is the baby?” Finally, after what felt like minutes, I heard “it’s a girl” from the other side of the room. Later I would be told that it was Dan in fact who called out the sex of the baby, but in the moment, I couldn’t even pinpoint the voice who called out what we had been waiting nine months to know—that magical moment I had envisioned and played over and over in my head in the months leading up to that morning.
I was ready to look in his eyes, hear the news, and look down at the baby in my arms. I looked down, but there was no baby. My stomach was deflated, my arms were empty, and the midwife and resident were dutifully focused on the afterbirth. I don’t remember delivering the placenta, I don’t recall being stitched up or what it felt like. I’ve been told it probably hurt, but my brain was so scared, my heart was so heavy, and my arms so empty that no amount of afterbirth pain could possibly compete with what I was trying to process. The baby was here. It was a girl. And while I had no idea what was normal, this didn’t look or feel like what I had expected.
I looked to my right, where Dan had been sitting for the last hour and 36 minutes of pushing. It was finally light out, the sun shining bright after a whole night of laboring in the dark. In his place was Brigette. “What’s going on? Is she OK?” I screamed. No one would give me an answer. “Talk to your baby,” she said, “she knows your voice. Talk to your baby, make sure she can hear you.” I remember screaming, but I don’t remember what I said. “Lily. My baby. You can do this. You are so brave. Mommy loves you so much. Come on Lily!” If I try really hard, I think that’s what I said, but everything was so chaotic, I can’t quite remember the words that came out of my mouth. Maybe that’s what I’d like to think I would say if I did it all over again.
After what felt like an eternity, the room was finally quiet. The giant room that for seven hours of labor and delivery was energized and spirited was now empty, sterile, and lonely. It was just me, the nurse, and my doulas. No husband, and no baby.
Lily came out blue and floppy, I was told. She wasn’t breathing, her Apgar score was nonexistent. She was successfully resuscitated on the little table outside of my arm’s reach. She was breathing on her own, the last I had heard, but she didn’t sound good. She was taken to the Intensive Care Nursery, her dad by her side the whole time. The umbilical cord, which we’d hoped to delay clamping for five minutes, was immediately clamped, cut, and tested — its blood gas came back high for lactic acid. Little did I know, at the same time, Lily’s blood gas was being tested. High levels of lactic acid, someone told my husband in the ICN. Not being a doctor, he could only take a rough gander at what that meant. Could that mean that the brain isn’t getting enough oxygen? It sounded crazy, maddening, impossible. That’s exactly what it could mean, the doctor said. It wasn’t a good sign. My placenta was shipped off to pathology to be tested for infection or some explanation that could explain why this perfect baby, who moved through labor and the birth canal with ease, came into this world lifeless.
Brigette handed me my phone, the first time I looked at it since I timed my last contraction at 2:10 that morning, right before we made the decision to go to the hospital. It turns out news — good and bad — traveled fast. My brother-in-law and his wife, vacationing in South Africa, had heard the news. My mom in Santa Rosa had heard the news. They knew no more than I did: there was a baby, and we don’t know if she’s OK. I furiously texted Dan. “What’s going on. Is she OK? Send me pictures. What are they doing to her?” I received a photo back: a tiny finger holding her dad’s big finger. “Send me more pictures — I want to see her. Is she OK? What happened?” I saw the “…” typing icon of the iPhone. There were no more pictures. “I don’t want you to see her like this,” he responded.
My wonderful labor and delivery nurse/drill sergeant was still in my room, explaining what would happen to me and when I would move to recovery. I didn’t care about what was happening to me. “When can I go see her?” I asked. She informed me that I had to stay in L&D for two hours. I don’t even remember why — something about fluids and monitoring or being stable/steady enough to leave. I’m sure under any other circumstance, two hours of cuddling with your newborn baby, initiating skin to skin, helping baby latch and learning her vital stats — height, weight, etc., feels welcomed and needed. Two hours in L&D, alone, without my baby or my husband felt like a lifetime.
“Eat something,” they said. “You need to eat.” They were right — aside from the few Annie’s cheddar bunnies I snuck after the epidural kicked in and the Swedish Fish I tried to eat during active labor in between breaths into the nitrous oxide mask, I hadn’t eaten since our spicy, oxytocin-inducing Thai take-out dinner the night before. I ordered half the menu — pancakes, eggs, sausage, hash browns, juice. I just wanted to drink up the smell of my new baby. I ate. I called my mom who had been out grocery shopping in Santa Rosa for the upcoming Christmas holiday when she got the call from Dan, reiterating what he’d already told her, what little I knew. We had the baby, it’s a girl, you have a granddaughter. No, she’s not OK. I don’t know what’s happening. Please come to San Francisco.
Two hours later, I was told I could go down to the ICN to finally lay eyes on Lily. But first, I had to pee, they said. I’m not sure what passing urine had to do with being allowed out of L&D, but if this was the ticket out of the place that housed the most terrifying experience of my life, to see my daughter, then I was going to pee as fast as possible. I stood up, finally feeling the impact of what my body had been through over the last 24 hours. I remembered hearing something about a first-degree tear during the afterbirth, and now I felt it. The physical pain of the aftermath of delivery was no match for my desire to see Lily. To finally touch her, to hold her. To get some answers. I sat down on the toilet and cried. The drill sergeant changed my mesh undies, folded up a clean submarine-sized pad soaked in witch hazel, tied up my gown, helped me into a wheelchair and pushed me down the hallway to the security-badge guarded doors to the ICN.
She was in Yellow-12, a unit with no windows, no natural light. It was dark and quiet in the central nurse station by the entrance — just the humming and beeping of machines. It was a foreign sound but in time, the beeping of machines would be the soundtrack to my days and later, my nightmares.
Baby Girl Laufer was printed on white paper, outside of Room 12. There was a little black and white cartoon lion under her name. She was in an Isolette, wearing a diaper and what looked like miles of wires and tubes. A little mesh cap covered the EEG nodes affixed to her head. I remembered thinking that her cap matched my undies. I don’t remember much about what I learned medically during that visit to her room; something about her breathing having stabilized and she was breathing on her own, but maybe had an infection. She was on antibiotics, and would likely remain in the ICN for 48 hours until the antibiotics ran their course and they monitored her more closely. I couldn’t imagine spending my two days in recovery without my baby in my arms and in my room. “Is she eating?” I remembered asking. She must be hungry, my baby must be so hungry. She had been on this Earth for no more than three hours. Has she even eaten yet? No one gave me an answer. Someone was taking a video of the moment I met my baby — maybe Dan, maybe our doula. Later I would watch that video and hear myself sobbing to her, telling her how hungry I was after she was born, “Mommy had pancakes, and eggs, I was so hungry,” I told her. “I wish I could feed you, you must be so hungry. I can’t wait to hold you.” Thatwas the only thing I could think and say over and over again.
We had to leave, they said, to check into our recovery room. It was OK, they said. “When you come back, you can hold her.” That was all I heard, and it was enough to get me out of the ICN and into recovery. The room was lovely — spacious with a large window which we kept shaded the entire stay. There was no differentiation between the light of day and night during our hospital stay, just one long blur of nightmares. They had already moved the baby bassinet out of the room. Word quickly spread that until further notice, there was no baby in this room. Dan ate, I changed into a clean hospital gown, the nurse came through to check my vitals and give me some ibuprofen. I was still confused and scared, but mostly I was so excited — I didn’t know what was happening to Lily, but I was going to hold her now!
I got back in my wheelchair and Dan pushed me through what felt like a mile of corridors to get back to the ICN. There were large double doors leading into the yellow unit. He pushed the button to open the doors and as they creaked open, they revealed a crowd of doctors standing outside of Lily’s room. I turned back to look at Dan — his face expressed similar confusion at the sight of dozens of new doctors, some in suits and some in scrubs, standing outside of her room. My first thought was, “Well they better get out of our way so I can get into her room!” As we wheeled up, the group turned around, seeming just as surprised to see us. Someone whispered Those are the parents. I slumped over and emitted a sound that was a mix of a cry and a scream.
Everything went dark and blank in my mind. Things both slowed down and suddenly felt like they were moving 100 miles an hour all at the same time. I remember asking, “What’s going on?” as a doctor said something about needing to move quickly, to start the procedure. “The cooling works best if completed within six hours of birth. After that, the risk of brain damage goes up. We’ve been monitoring for seizures, and so far it looks good, but we want to do everything we can to mitigate further brain damage.” “Brain damage!” we exclaimed, in unison. I was here to hold my daughter, didn’t they know? “I’m sorry,” one of the neonatal neurologists in a crisp blouse and dress pants said. “You can go in and talk to her, but you can’t hold her. We have to move quickly.” I remember thinking I hated that neurologist. Later, once I could comprehend what was happening and what they were doing and why, I felt grateful for her expertise, and her command of the situation. But in the moment, I hated that she was the one who seemed to be standing in the way of holding Lily.
I slowly stood up from the wheelchair, the pain of delivery weighing heavy on my body but I needed to stand up to get as close to her as I could in the Isolette. I held her tiny finger and gave her the only thing I could in that moment — my voice. I don’t remember a thing I said, but according to my husband, I told Lily about her namesake, about who she was named for. Her great grandfather’s first wife, Lilian, who was killed in Auschwitz. Her late Safta Liora, her Hebrew name, meaning “my light.” Her great grandma Pringle, her grandma Lydia. Strong women — women who were fighters for themselves, their families, their communities, their heritage. Lily is a fighter, too, and she would get through this. I’ll never know if she heard me or knew my voice but I like to think it helped to bring her some comfort. Dan looked around the room, and one thing was clear — from the tears in the eyes of every doctor and nurse in there, they had certainly heard me. This baby was special, and she was going to fight like hell. They were ready to answer that call.
After that, we headed back to my room, unsure of what else we could do. The medical team was preparing Lily for Neonatal Therapeutic Hypothermia — a treatment where they would cool her body by 3 degrees celsius for 72 hours. She would rest atop a tiny refrigerated “water bed.” Babies prefer warmth, so they’d use a constant morphine drip to try to keep her comfortable. Most of her major organs and bodily functions would simply “hibernate” for the next few days. She would be given enough nutrients to stay healthy, via a glucose line in her belly. But perhaps the worst part for me was that she couldn’t be held and couldn’t nurse — two things that her chilled body couldn’t support but that my postpartum body and mind craved.
“No news was good news” was the name of the game, the team said. They were monitoring brain activity for seizures, but ideally, there wouldn’t be any new developments or reports in the next 72 hours. Nothing was being tested or tried — they were simply monitoring all major organs, and doing whatever they could to keep her comfortable. She even looked like a little hibernating bear — snoozing and occasionally waking up to blink and look around before going back to sleep. “Chilly Lily” she was quickly dubbed. The name stuck. Baby Girl Laufer, Chilly Lily, in Room Y-12.
That was around 2 or 3 p.m. As we exited the room, we ran into a doctor who had been previously cheerful during the past few hours. His mood turned more serious, professional, reserved. He said he’d get us a conference room, to meet with the head neonatologist and the social worker to talk about what happens next. I remember wheeling back to recovery and seeing a text message from someone at work, asking me to add them to the calendar invitation for a client call that afternoon. The word of my water breaking the day prior didn’t make it to Los Angeles. I ignored the text. I don’t remember much from the rest of that afternoon. It was like time was frozen and I was merely an observer of the events.
My doula stayed with me to get a hospital-grade breast pump set up. She taught me how to hand express colostrum and how to pump every 2–3 hours. This bulky machine on wheels would be my companion for the next eight days. I didn’t yet know how to change a diaper, or what my baby’s skin felt like, but I already knew the difference between speed and suction, how to wash breast shields and assemble a pump. It was a task I wasn’t ready to know how to do. For the next eight days, I would pump every 2–3 hours, sometimes drops, sometimes nothing, eventually ounces. I would proudly transfer a tiny mL of liquid gold into a syringe, and take it with me to my next trip to see Lily. She couldn’t digest colostrum or breastmilk yet, but I dabbed it into her mouth with a Q-Tip-like device to get her familiar to the taste and pass on any little antibodies I could. Those syringes were my trophies, the only tangible souvenirs I had from childbirth before I could hold my Lily, which didn’t happen until her fifth day of life.
We are lucky. Our story has a happy ending — 72 long, uncertain, painful hours later, Lily was slowly re-warmed. She passed her MRI with flying colors. The NP popped her head into our room on Christmas Eve night: “all clear” she said. All clear, no brain damage. The verdict we had been waiting five days to hear. The tension in the air deflated, like someone had popped a balloon. I think I let my breath out for the first time since she was born. We sobbed. Our good friends showed up with champagne. My sorority sisters had sent a decadent cake from my favorite bakery, the words “This Calls for Cake” inscribed in pink icing. Because you can’t fit “Congratulations on your baby, she is adorable and no matter what the outcome of the MRI is, you guys are going to be OK and we love you” onto a cake.
The Rabbi, who hadn’t yet checked her email to see the good news that we had sent out, was already en route to bless our sweet baby and offer her prayers for protection and health. She met the delivery guy in the lobby, and forgave our lack of kosher dinner selection as a large pepperoni pizza made its way to the ICN. The occasion really did call for cake. We left the hospital four days later, as a family of three, once Lily learned to eat and could demonstrate weight gain from feedings. Those four days were filled with their own set of unique challenges, small milestones/victories and disappointing setbacks. Ultimately, we feel so incredibly grateful for what we know is a very positive outcome and for what was a relatively short stint in the ICN.
My therapist, who I had seen since finding out I was pregnant with Lily after my second pregnancy loss, listened to my birth story that I shared in pain-staking detail, from my water breaking at 37 weeks, 2 days to our discharge from the ICN. As I told it, there were two sides to Lily’s birth: the 24 hours before 10:58 a.m. on December 20, and the harrowing eight days that followed. Ironically, Lily, whose Hebrew name Liora means “my light,” joined us the morning after the last night of Hanukkah. After eight nights of light, the following eight days were the darkest I’ve ever experienced. I was particularly hung up on all of the details of the story that I couldn’t remember and I felt frustrated that there were parts of those eight days that I could not account for at all.
There were so many holes in the hours that followed her delivery: in the conversations that were had between doctors and nurses, during my first two interactions with Lily by her bedside, in her first few nights in the ICN. When I was about four to five months postpartum, I would lie awake at night after feeding Lily, my perfect, healthy baby. I would replay the hours after her birth over and over in my mind. Angry that I couldn’t remember all the details. Mourning the loss of being able to hold my baby after I delivered her even as I held her in my arms in the present, feeling regret that the hours and days after her birth didn’t look like how I thought it would. Scared by how much worse her outcome could have been. I’d stay awake after a feeding Googling “birth asphyxia” and “hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy,” feeling mentally paralyzed by the statistics and typical prognoses I read. Terrified knowing we were so close to a very different outcome, yet relieved for her clear MRI and her clean bill of health. Grateful that she learned to breastfeed and we were discharged so quickly after the MRI. But I was so consumed by the anger that there were details that I lived and experienced but for the life of me, couldn’t remember what had happened.
The events that did stick with me were terrifying and painful — events that I wish I could forget but are seared into my mind forever: waking up the next morning in my hospital bed drenched in sweat from fluids and hormones, screaming and sobbing for Lily; feeling so empty without her there that I wished that I was in her place in intensive care. Wheeling to the ICN multiple times a day, holding my breath every time we rounded the corner and opened the doors to the yellow unit, fearing another occasion where the entire team was crowded outside of her room. The visit from the NP during that first night in the hospital. I was awake to pump when she came in, explaining that Lily needed a blood transfusion and would I sign the paperwork to agree. To this day, I have no idea why she needed the blood transfusion. It’s not for lack of being told, but I was in a mindset where I couldn’t possibly understand the explanation. Scrolling social media my first night in the hospital, during a middle-of-the-night pumping session, seeing birth announcement photos that someone had just posted on Facebook: happy, smiling families cuddled up on a hospital bed. Mom tired but glowing, a snuggly baby in a stylish muslin swaddle blanket in her arms, the proud Dad. Going through the motions of discharge, without Lily. The areas on the discharge form that related to the baby were X’d out. The car ride home, the carseat empty in the backseat. Not knowing when we’d bring her home, or under what circumstances. It was with my therapist’s help that I began to understand how my brain and body processed these events in the moment and what remained in my mind after the fact. At her encouragement, I wrote the story of these hours and days to address the parts of the birth that I had blacked out due to severe traumatic stress and to recount the parts that have stayed with me.
There were many, many joyful, funny, and empowering moments during labor and delivery before Lily joined us Earth-side that I don’t want to ever forget. Maybe one day I’ll put those on paper before time causes those memories to fade. And there have been even more joyful and sweet moments in the nine months since she has been a part of our family. This story was my attempt to acknowledge all of the details that I can’t remember due to the trauma of the events that unfolded. The ability to tell this part of my story, to hold space for the uncertain details after her birth, has been cathartic and relieving. By addressing the unknowns, I am prepared to continue to process the rest of her birth, to celebrate and relish the joyful parts, and one day, be able to tell her this story firsthand.